Nicaragua: The way I am

She handed me US$30 with a smile, and I accepted it, confused.

"This isn't necessary," I told her in an embarrassed, humbled, and almost insulted tone. 

"No, no. My pleasure," responded the "foreign visitor." 

This occurred as I was visiting some friends of a Nicaraguan friend of mine, and those friends happened to be hosting a guest from the United States. We exchanged "nice-to-meet-yous" in Spanish which were followed by an explanation to said guest that I am not Nicaraguan, but in fact from the U.S. and here working as a Peace Corps volunteer. The conversation continued for a handful of minutes when she excused herself from the group, left the table, then shortly returned with a "gift" for me. What motivated her to give me a crisp Andrew Jackson and Alexander Hamilton? Your guess is as good as mine. 

Once upon a time I thought it would be fun to win the lottery and then travel the world, distributing my new wealth in small increments to random people I met. It would spread such joy and make the world a better place, or so I thought. Everybody could benefit from having more money, right? 

Except when it is given or received within vague parameters; the giver may leave the receiver in a worse state. For me, accepting a gift which leaves me with the question: Why do I deserve this? is unsettling. If a family member, friend, or loved one chooses to give me money because I am celebrating a birthday, just graduated from college, or just experienced some other significant life event, I will likely accept. However, if someone unknown decides that I could benefit from a monetary donation, I cannot help but think: This person doesn't even know my story, so how is it acceptable for them to decide that I will willingly take their charity meanwhile they go on thinking that they have done a good deed and are a better person for it.   

Maybe the cultural value of earning one's own way which was so ingrained in my upbringing correlates to the difficulty I find in receiving charity. There is without a doubt personal satisfaction in earning one's own way. Accepting charity, grants, monetary gifts, loans, etc. is okay, I suppose, but the "IOU" lingers on and on and on.  

Such is the case on a personal level as well as in the broader field of international development. On a somewhat related note, I recently finished reading the book, "Confessions of an Economic Hit Man," and I highly recommend it for anyone interested in learning a little more about what really happens in globalized economic development. 

And so I leave you, with head slightly tilted, one eyebrow raised, confused, unsettled, and questioning.